he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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