Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
