I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
