I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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