somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Congratulations! We have a period
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