I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
