when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
