i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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