I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
