I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
