420 ftw
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
