We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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