The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
