I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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