I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
