thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
