I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
