It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
