I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize