I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
