who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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