Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
