There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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