I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
