what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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