she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
