I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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