it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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