i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
