My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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