you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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