Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize