And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
