Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
