if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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