for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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