Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize