just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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