I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
