Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize