If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
