first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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