dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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