Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
