do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
