Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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