Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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