mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
