I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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