my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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