I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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