Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
