You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
