We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
