I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
