guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
