do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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