I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
