Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
