apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
