There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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