if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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