I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
two words: eviction party
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
